Some Answers

This week has actually gone really well. Jack had testing done on Monday, which revealed that the only issue in his heart is the valve (no blockages or anything else to make it a more complicated/risky surgery). Preliminary results came back from his lung biopsies and whatever is going on there does not seem to be cancer (thank God). He spend the night being monitored on Monday and also has been taking medication to reduce his fluid retention. It worked great the first few days and he was feeling so much better, but today is not feeling well again. They would like to do the heart surgery soon, but his lung infection has to be cleared first. They are currently 'growing' the sample from his lungs in the lab to figure out what it is. I guess this could take days or weeks... too long in my opinion. They don't want to give him any more antibiotics until they figure it out so the treatment can be more targeted and specific. So we wait. Which is hard. He is not working right now, which is good. But it's also going to be a lot of time off of work.

It is giving my mom and him a change to refinance, write a will, etc etc etc- all things that should have been done years ago (let this be a lesson to me).

And I was feeling positive and that everything was going to be okay for a few days... and then today, I am again feeling really worried and scared and fearing that we are going to lose him. That they wont figure out the infection soon enough and his heart will give out. That they will end up having to do an emergency surgery. That the infection will spread to his heart. And on and on. And I just think maybe he has been given extra time to get things in order because something serious might happen (all of those horribly negative thoughts about the worst possible outcomes).

And most of the time, such as now, when I feel positive and think things are going to be okay, I have that underlying feeling/belief that I am lying to myself because I can't handle what really is about to happen. That I am living in denial and that the worst thing that could happen-will happen.  That I need to prepare myself for it (the pain, the loss, the unbearable feelings and changes). It's hard to live that way- thinking bad things are always around the corner. "Don't let go. Don't rest and have peace about the future. There's no way the pain will outweigh anything good". These are definitely the 'messages' I hear and believe deep down, most of the time.

This picture is hard to read, but it's in one of Sabrina Ward Harrison's journal pages from her book (Spilling Open) (which changed my life 10 years ago).

This is what it says:

Sabrina, remember: (By Sabrina Ward Harrison)

“I don’t have to be cool.
I do not have to be slender. I do not have to be tricky.
I do not have to be smooth.
no no no more
I do not have to be silent.
I do not have to be loud.
I do not have to be slick.
I do not have to be her. I do not HAVE TO BE loved by him to be okay.
I do not have to hide who I am.
I do not have to Hold on.
I do not have to always be accepted 
I do not have to wear cover up. I do not have to BE covered up. I do not have to predict.
I do not have to prepare (for the pain.) I do not have to GRASP. I do not have to have the answer. I do not have to be better. I do not have to be cool.
I only have to be who I am.
I have to take care of my own body.
(Honor)
I have to dance in my bedroom + wear my red colors.
I have to stay on my own side.”

And what has always spoken out to me so loudly is the part about not preparing for the pain. I do this and have done it for so very long.

I am trying to work my way out of it. 

To believe (truly and deeply) that life is good and will be good and that bad things are not always around the corner waiting to destroy me. That painful things will come (it's inevitable) and I will be okay.

And the saddest part about living this way, is that the pain I've experienced in the past and the fear I live in, takes away from the amazing things in my life now and the amazing things that have happened. All of the times I've been provided for and cared for and the resiliency that I know I have. That I haven't been swallowed by my pain and anger. That I am somehow a pretty functional person. That I have the most amazing friend and husband in Colin. That I have friends who know me and love me deeply. That, although really messy, I do have family close and far away. I haven't been left and I have been protected in so many crazy ways.

It's all there, wanting to be seen and heard and acknowledged I guess- The past, the pain, the fear, the hope, the present, the dreams, etc. Seeing it all and not getting hung up on what could happen, but seeing what is actually right here, right now, and allow it the space it needs (and not more than it deserves).

I also found this Bon Iver song about 6 months ago that has also stuck with me and changed my world.


The final line is my favorite though (Your love will be safe with me). I am holding on and believing that my love (my deepest heart, my needs, my dreams, fears, etc) is safe (with God, with those I love, with myself).