A Message to Myself (and maybe to you too!)

I'm really feeling like I need to figure out how to make this happen. 

This being- creating my own creative business. 

Like I said before, right now I have really have no idea where to start or how to get it going, other than... just starting...just beginning. To simply (or not so simply) begin to create some things when I'm not working- to paint, to keep blogging, to continue to write down what's happening and what I'm thinking and what ideas/dreams, etc are being birthed, to stop and take pictures of whatever is going on...

To Continually Work Towards Openness.

Here

I want to get from A to B, and then to C, and then to D…. and keep going until I have this amazing business. And I have to start somewhere.

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I'm realizing a huge part of it is simply believing. And in some ways, to fake it 'til I make it. To believe that I am legit and that there is room for me and my voice and my heart and my unique message to the world. To believe that I have gifts and a voice and a style that is mine and not a copy from someone else (although of course I will be inspired by others). 

One of my most favorite quotes (found here)

To know that this path is good and great and that it is something that God would like me to do. That I do not have to keep living in an empty place, but I can create something for myself and my/our life that is deeply meaningful and profound and needed in this world. Yes, I am a pretty good social worker, but it doesn’t mean that’s what I HAVE to do or what’s good for me to do anymore. 

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Ever since I was small- I felt like I had to take care of everyone else and naturally, I chose a degree and career that revolves around doing just that- taking care of everyone else... which is not a bad thing at all. But for me, I'm realizing how empty I am, how drained, and how unhealthy it's becoming. I need to do something that will fill me up. I don't mind working my a** off, if it is something that makes me excited and alive and passionate.

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My value and worth in this life (and to God) does not come from what I can do for other people or how I can help them. I have value just being me, even if I did not do one more thing for another person! Not believing this has kept me in a broken and stuck place... always believing I have to fix and take care of, which in turn, created a career path where I had to care for so many other people. I've believed the lie that I do not deserve an amazing, fulfilled, exciting life. I have been believing that I need to continue to live in a place of brokenness, suffering, emptiness, dullness, and depletion (my own and carrying other people's). I've also believed for so long that this (social work/helping people) is where my greatest giftings are and this is how I will be able to help people best.  But I am really beginning to think it's a lie too! I think believing that my worth and value only comes from committing my whole life to the helping professions has been preventing me from healing my heart, opening myself up, and living a passionate and fulfilled life- mostly because I'm exhausted and I'm carrying SO much for so many people with no outlet. It's way too heavy.

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I've felt a lot of guilt when even considering doing something different, like I will be failing God and humanity, which is absolutely ridiculous, but still something that's there. I think it comes from a place of not really listening and trusting my own heart and not believing that I can and deserve to create the life I truly want. I've begun to see myself in different ways and am beginning to approach myself in a much more loving and caring way too. Instead of saying to myself "What is wrong with me that being with SO many people each week is so exhausting for me? Why can't I just get on with it?", I'm beginning to say- "What do you actually need to feel your best and do your best?" and being able to give myself what I need and to be okay and accepting of whatever that looks like. And what I've really come to realize this last week in particular, is that this line of work is not what's best for me... so bottom line- I need to figure out something that is. I'm starting to ask myself what that amazing life would look like and allowing myself to start believing it and taking steps towards it! 

I have no idea how I will get there, but I am starting.

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And PS: In my ideal world that I am planning and hoping to create :), I fully intend to volunteer my time/energy to continue to help people. Once I am in a place of abundance and not depletion, and once it's not a job for me anymore, I will be able to be that much more present and have more of myself to give. AND I am totally grateful for the life I do have. I know how blessed I truly am and lucky that I have a job and the life I do have. I just think- there is a different path I am supposed to be living and I am trying to get there.