Waiting

I've been pretty emotional the last few days. It feels like the winds of life are shifting big time and I'm not sure I'm ready to face what's next. We pretty much finished the house last weekend. My cousin and her husband are starting to move in tomorrow- a huge project done (but constant stress). My mom and I keep fighting- About my sister, about my step dad Jack... but never really getting to the deepest issues and the real reason we fight (which I'm not even sure I can articulate what that is). We got in a big fight on Thurs or Fri-which left me emotional the whole weekend and realizing even more that I can't fix anything, and that is SO hard for me. I've been going through life thinking that if I did this or that, then my mom would be happy, our family would be 'fixed', I would be okay. I think I've always had it in my head that one day it would all be better and I've been holding my breath for that time- and hoping we wouldn't run out of time before we are able to have that happy, functional, loving, open, supportive family.

Along with all the stress and fighting, Jack has been sick for a couple months now- with pneumonia and bronchitis (it's SO bad this winter). He has a compromised immune system due to his diabetes and neither him or my mom are the models for healthy lifestyles. He works construction so he is out in the elements, with chemicals, and working in hospitals a lot- so of course he's bound to catch something. He really should be retired, but is currently still working. Anyways- he's been on different meds for the past two months and just isn't getting much better. He went to a Pulmonologist Friday and had an endoscopy yesterday to get some lung tissue samples (due to dark spots on an xray). So now we wait a few hours, a few days... to know what's wrong. How bad. What needs to be done. Hoping/praying it's not cancer. Hoping he will get better. Hoping he will be around for a lot longer.

And through all of the many thoughts and scenarios I've run in my head over the past few days (what if this, what if that) I've realized there is nothing I can do. I feel like the train is coming and the shoe is dropping- and I can't stop it. I can't make it go away, fix it, make anyone feel better or to be happy. Reality is about to slap us across the face (which is SO hard for a family who loves to live in denial). I feel like my greatest fear is coming to pass (my mom and Jack going through a hard illness/suffering, and then losing them long before they should go).

There's nothing I can do except to stay present/open, to feel what I'm feeling, to go through whatever is in front of me/us, to learn what I need to learn, and let this experience change me for the better (to soften my heart, rather than harden it).