Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving came and went so fast. This year happened to be much more calm and less stressful than the last few years. (Still a lot of work though.) We went to dinner with family friends on Wednesday and then I helped my mom make pies that night. Thanksgiving morning, Colin and I cooked some food here in the morning and went back over to my mom's for Thanksgiving prep and dinner. It was Colin and me, my mom, Jack and uncle Steve. Small, but really nice. The food was yummy, it wasn't overwhelmingly stressful, and we all ended up relaxing and watching a movie together in the evening. (sorry- just iphone pics today)

Colin does not understand the jello salads and cranberry salads we Americans have at holiday meals :) 

Although it was a nice day and felt somewhat restorative, rather than draining, it wasn't my favorite Thanksgiving ever. Change is pretty tough for me. I really like consistency and for things to stay the same (most of the time). I'm realizing another reason the holiday season is hard for me is because the holidays used to be such a big deal. My parents are divorced so each holiday we would have to go to at least two dinners, sometimes three, depending on what was happening. My mom's family is huge and we used to get everyone together in my grandparent's house (the one my mom and Jack live in now) and each family would bring a huge portion of one side dish. My mom would always make the pies (2 pumpkin, mincemeat, a fruit pie, and a pecan pie- we're trying to get used to the idea of only 1-2 pies). All of us cousins would play hide and seek outside and then a three hour game of Monopoly- every year. It was fun and it was meaningful.

Eventually my grandparents got sick, aunts and uncles got divorced and/or remarried into new families, cousins got older and no longer played games with each other. We stopped having Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family (this part I was happy about). All the traditions we had for so many years slowly disintegrated and died. And I think about the big family gatherings we've had in the past 2-3 years (not at holidays) and they are very different than when I was little. Not very fun and not very meaningful- at least for me. So, I know very well there is no going back to what used to be (it's still sad though).

And I'm really different too. I crave connection and meaning. I don't do well when I feel drained at a party or gathering, either by who's there or what I'm doing- when there's so much to do to host get togethers that I can't connect. I don't do well only seeing family members once a year, if that. I'm not the type of person who just jumps back into things (most of the time).

The older I become and the more things change, I realize I have to create the kinds of holidays and gatherings I want and the meaning I need. It's definitely a time of rebuilding and of figuring out what this time of year means for us. And I think it's going to take some time. I'm slowly learning this.

I want to be someone who is able to look back at the past and enjoy the memories and remember how good it really was. But I also want to be able to be in the present and be thankful for what it is and the lessons I'm learning and how I'm growing, all the while building and creating the traditions and meaningful gatherings that nourish.

And as much as I want to be that person, I think there is going to need to be some soul work for me before I can totally get there, as well as grieving the loss of a lot of things, including how my family and our traditions have changed. And I'm working on it.

Found here

I hope your Thanksgiving was a good one- whatever it looked like.