On Losing Your Sh** in Public

So, for the last year, I have been getting laser hair removal done. I have some hair in places I'd rather not have it (UGH!) I am really beginning to think has to do with some messed up/imbalanced hormones and/or PCOS, which I need to go to the doctor to get checked out. I would never have ever posted that on here because it's embarrassing, but it has to do with what happened yesterday.

Yesterday was my last treatment of 12. It hasn't done a TON of good sadly (again- why I think it's more a hormonal issue). When I first started, a lady treated me for the first few sessions. She used gel with a slight numbing factor and it was uncomfortable, but was over pretty quickly and manageable. Not enjoyable by any means. One day, this new guy was there and I am not sure what happened, but it was the most painful thing ever (in the few seconds the laser hits). I ended up starting to cry- and believe me- I rarely cry over pain (I think I have a higher pain tolerance) and rarely cry in front of complete strangers. I could not get it together that day and it was the weirdest thing. I just kept saying "I don't know why I'm crying" because something like that is not something I would cry over. I was so embarrassed and just wanted to leave. I had to go out and schedule the next appointment and everyone was asking me if I was okay and I was like "yes- I'm fine". I was sick with a cold at the time and on my period, which the owner came out and said that it can be more painful around that time of the  month, which I guess makes sense. Once I got out to the car, I could not stop crying- I cried so hard. Again- SO weird. And so not like me at all.

So the next time I went in and in all the sessions since, we have used an ice pack to numb the areas and it has been wonderful. I don't get anxious going in and it hasn't been uncomfortable or painful. But yesterday... it was snowing and I wanted to reschedule so I didn't have to drive in it. It wasn't really an option, so I went in early and they fit me in. The owner treated me this time and we used ice again, but oh my goodness- it was SO painful! Again I was premenstrual and had just come from a day at work that was really annoying and stressful- so I guess my emotions were already heightened from that and driving in the snow. I kept trying so hard to hold it in as the treatment went on, but once the tears started, I completely lost it again. Like couldn't catch my breath crying. Like not oh a few tears here or there, but the worst kind of crying (shaking, deep breaths) in front of a stranger!! and again- I could not calm myself down. He was like- 'do you need me to leave, do you want to stop?" and I kept saying "no, I don't know what's going on" and I really have no clue what got triggered. I think it partially is just the physiological reaction to something painful- like you stub my toe- you start crying as a reaction, even though it doesn't hurt that much. And the laser was painful in the second that it happened, but I know it's over so fast and it's not painful the second after it hits. But obviously there is SO much more there that has nothing to do with the treatment, but obviously those tears had to come out somehow and that was just the catalyst.

So I calmed down a bit and we were able to finish. We talked about going to an endocrinologist, etc. I left. I got to the car, and again LOST it entirely- the crazy crying where you wouldn't want anyone to ever see you (you know the kind). Hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to talk, hard to calm down. Traffic was super slow because of the snow and I think one of the lights I went through wasn't working so we sat there forever (even more frustration!). So I cried for a good 45 minutes at least.  Which clearly was needed. And yes- life has been pretty stressful lately, but nothing more than in the past. And even though a lot of things came up, some things also became pretty clear too for me as I got down to that depth of what I was feeling and letting it just be real and raw (with myself) in that moment- which is good. I think I tend to analyze a lot and rationalize and intellectualize things in order to make them do-able/manageable. I have been working on processing things and being in the moment and feeling things, etc... so I am sure, this is just a bi-product of that. And it's embarrassing, but I could not control it... and that is okay.

Then last night, I had a dream about tornadoes. I do dream a lot and some are pretty vivid- like last night. It started with myself and my cousin being in the middle of a tornado- We went to get shelter in a thrift store. Then after it passed, we stole a car (?!! weird!) and tried to drive home. I was lost (even though it was in Denver) and towards the mountains, I could see like 4-5 tornadoes in the distance. And then I woke up.

 here

I looked up what dreaming about tornadoes means and it definitely makes sense to yesterday and lately. Usually when you have a dream where a tornado swiftly overtakes you, it is the mind's way of expressing chaos in your waking life. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it will often feel like life is spinning out of control, much like a tornado. These feelings will often hide in a dream. Some factors that may cause a tornado dream are a personal schedule that is more hectic than usual. Also, changes in one's life where the outcome is unforeseeable such as a new job, a new relationship or impending childbirth can trigger dreams about tornadoes.Tornadoes may also appear in dreams when it feels like you have no control over a certain situation. These feelings could also be influenced by someone else. For instance, if there is someone close in your life that is prone to mood swings or emotional outbursts, this could be causing you to feel like you have no control. (here)

It's interesting what happens when you open yourself up to your feelings and allow yourself to do what you need to do to process and be in the moment. I think things like this will continue to happen to me and that's okay. It's opening me up to a much richer and fuller (emotional) life.