Boundaries

I went to a really small, Christian elementary school (think 10 kids per class- max). Everyone knew your business. When I was in like 3rd or 4th grade, the mom of a girl in my class said that her daughter wasn't allowed to spend the night at my house because my family was dysfunctional. It was only many years later, after getting out of Christian schools, that I came to realize that my family wasn't actually that different than many families in the world today (which is sad that so many families are broken). But the kids I grew up around had semi-intact families (at least on the outside), whereas my family was definitely struggling. I prefer the term 'unhealthy', rather than dysfunctional though. 

Back when I was in college, I worked at a youth treatment center for teenage girls to help work on their 'issues'. We talked a lot about 'boundaries' and 'coping skills' to help get through the times when they were freaking out or about to make a bad decision, etc. 

So fast forward to today. My family is still struggling and unhealthy. At least I think so. The issues run deep and wide. I'm not even sure I could even explain the complexity of it all. Most of the time, I feel like a ball of yarn.

Like it's all too tangled and complicated and heavy. It's hard to understand it. It's hard to explain it. It's hard to even try to work through it when it's still happening, it's still going on, it's still so raw. It's hard to bring it up again when you've really tried to bury it.

I tend to internalize other people's feelings and stress. Growing up the message I got or felt was that I had to always be okay, that I shouldn't do anything to make it worse, that I wasn't a priority. I took that role on- maybe because it helped me feel like I was in control of something? I excelled in school. I did great at sports. I never caused problems. I never got in trouble, I took care of myself. I was responsible and dependable, and did whatever I could to not stress my mom out even more. And I didn't even know what I was doing. I didn't know how I was hurting myself. I don't think I ever consciously pretended it was all okay. I think I was just doing everything I could to make it okay. 

I went to college. I pursued a degree in psychology and almost a graduate degree in the same field, I think in many ways, to try to fix myself, my family, my past. 

My sister was the opposite of me. She was always in trouble. She almost got kicked out of school a few times. She had horrible boyfriends. She stressed my mom out for years. My mom was always spending her energy on my sister (or my grandparents who were sick). And she didn't see me. She didn't see the depression (that I realize I've had off an on since at least high school- but maybe even as a child). She didn't see how I needed to be loved. She didn't see that she needed to help me talk about and work through all the things that had happened and the things that were still going on. She didn't protect me the way I needed to be protected. 

And it's in the past. None of that can be changed. And I know deep down, she was doing everything she could. I'm sad that we were in crisis mode for so many years and there was simply too much going on and she was spread too thin. I'm sad I didn't know how to tell her what I needed and that I felt like I had to keep it all together or else everything really would all fall apart, and it would be my fault. 

But here we are today and I have gotten to the place where I am not able to pretend like everything is fine or spend all my energy into trying to fix my family at the cost of my own mental health. I can barely keep myself together. I'm more aware- of myself and my patterns and behaviors, but also of the cycles and patterns of my family members. 

The hardest thing, I think, in a family who has unhealthy behaviors/patters, is when someone shifts their behavior and it makes everything go out of whack. Families are just like anything else- they work to achieve homeostasis and will do whatever it takes to maintain that. It's hard when someone rocks the boat and mixes it all up. People don't know how to respond, because the previous ways of responding or acting, just don't work the same way. 

And this is what's going on with me at least. I've realized that I need to do some things that will help me become more healthy and to get what I need (filled up rather than drained) and set boundaries. I need to say no. I need to allow myself some space to work through things and let things go. I need to allow myself to talk about how I feel and what I think. And it's been hard. My relationships are changing and I'm not sure what that will look like in the future. I am also a people pleaser, so it's been really difficult for me to create conflict and be the one 'causing problems'. And my go-to response-the two coping skills I learned-when things are hard and I am having trouble dealing? I sleep or I shut it out. 

This summer has brought a lot to the surface, partly with the garage, but also with some decisions my sister is making and the relationship that my mom and sister have with each other, and them with me. Communication was never a strong-suit and still isn't in my family. It seems like the pattern is sweep it all under the rug and function on a surface level (which is not how I work at all). I really have made some honest attempts at talking through things and talking about how I'm feeling and it hasn't worked out so well. So I get to the place where I start shutting people out, which deep down, is not what I want. I do want to have a real relationship with my family members, but I can't pretend like everything is fine when there are huge issues to work through. So, I have been trying to establish boundaries, while I personally work on healing/fixing/changing my own heart/issues/wounds/patters, and learn some new coping skills so that I don't feel like my only option is to cut people out in order to deal with it all. 

It's a hard one- living honestly and deeply.