I love kids. I really do. Yes, they do drive me crazy in restaurants and planes, but I think a lot of that has to do with the parenting, rather than the little one. There was a time in my life I honestly did not think I would have kids at all. Or to get married for that matter. It was right around the time I was nannying, and then my sister got pregnant, and then my nephew hit his terrible twos... and they were incredibly terrible. And I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to go down that road. And to be fair- the main issue was with me and how I didn't want to screw any human being up with all of my issues. I'm a perfectionist at heart, and scared of screwing anything up beyond repair. Which is still a fear of mine as I think about being a parent.
So, that was a few years ago. In fact, it was almost a deal breaker with Colin and I about half-way into our relationship. He eventually told me he wanted to be with me and if that meant we missed out on having kids together, he would be okay. And I think that moment changed everything. Not that I wanted to go out and get pregnant. But I think it took off the pressure and expectation that all I was here for was to be a baby maker and that that was my biggest role in life. And at that time, I was planning to go to grad school for years and years and work at 'saving the world'. In my 'life plan' I would finish school by about 29 and maybe start having kids in my early 30s.
But then it all changed. And as the depression has slowly lifted and my life plans have shifted (to what? I'm not completely sure), I've really begun to think about babies as a real possibility, sooner rather than later. Not tomorrow by any means, but sometimes I would really love it if it was happening now. I would be freaking out and stressed out about money and the logistics of it all, but I think it would be completely exciting too. At the end of the day, I don't think Colin and I are really ready to give up our independence and the plans and goals we have for the next few years. We want to buy this house and fix it up, we eventually want to buy a house that has a yard (that is not a town-home), we have a few places we want to travel, and we want to finish grad school, and figure out a way to not need a babysitter/nanny/daycare (at least full time). So it seems quite a ways away, which is ultimately okay, because it will mean we are better prepared (if you can be prepared at all) and more stable in ourselves and our relationship... But it would be fun to finally be a mama!
I like this because I think you and Colin will be amazing parents!! I am so scared to have another baby and of course stress out that I am ruining Ashtons life..ha. But Lindsay told me that if they aren't abused then really, they are ok. whew! I want a three bedroom before we have that second, but I think you're right, there is no perfect time. Having Ashton was hard at first, and still sometimes, but your heart does expand...and you have a big one already, so just imagine!! Love ya
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