I love Fridays. I'm sure most people feel this way, but for me, it feels like a huge relief. Relief that I don't have to think about work at all. I turn my work phone off and I try not to think about the week ahead.
This week was pretty stressful in work (and outside as well). Back in the Spring, I thought there was no way I could get busier or that it could get much worse.
Well...I was wrong. It's SO much worse.
Our caseloads are SO high- higher than they've ever been. It's been challenging to get the basics done, not to count all of the extra things that keep coming up with some of the more challenging family situations. And if that wasn't enough, add in a whole department merge, which was not planned out well. People have quit and are on maternity leave, which means everyone who's still there gets to pick up all that extra work. The merge also means: I am helping to train a little bit here and there, will be getting trained on my new job responsibilities in November, which is my busiest month, along with Thanksgiving that month, and just the general unknown and added responsibilities a merge brings. Add onto that, switching up caseloads (giving some established cases to other people, but all the while continuing to get new cases, which is the bulk of the work, which means- that much more work and time spent). And add onto that, new changes in paperwork/documents, which means switching tons of papers out for all the cases I have plus re-learning new process. And is all of that wasn't enough stress for 4 months, I found out yesterday they are moving me to the other side of our floor into a different area where another department works, away from everyone I've sat by for 2 years, who I really love being around and working with. I will be sitting by people I can't say I like, in a completely new place, which is the actual hardest part of all of this for me. I hate my physical space being changed. The move feels really unfair to me. Some people had to switch their manager, which was hard. Some people have to move, which is hard... but some people are not having to switch anything up, and that's what feels very unfair to me.
And I have tried really hard for the past 9 months to be pretty easy going, to try to be patient and take it as it comes and not freak out... but I've hit my limit. I'm really upset and kind of done. This whole time I've been thinking, "Once this merge is said and done, things will be better. I can wait for then", but now that they've moved me... whole other ball game. And here's the thing. The job itself is emotional and stressful. In theory, I do love what I do. It's wonderful to be able to help people and do such important work. Right now, those thoughts and feelings are not there. I'm at the place of burnout... ready to be done with the 'helping professions' all together. I've been thinking for a long time that once I do move onto something else, I do still want to be involved and volunteering, but on a more personal level... so that it means more to me and it's not a job anymore.
The timing is really weird with all of this work and personal stuff. When I get to the place where I am really upset and feel like there's no way to make it better or accept it, I start to think about what else and what changes I can make to make myself feel better and be in a better place. And I have been thinking of what to do next... but not sure what else to go into or how to make what I want to do happen. I've looked into some other jobs, just to see what's there, but I'm not sure what's better at this point. In some ways I would love to do something pretty mindless for a while. The problem is money I suppose. At least right now. Not sure we could make it on just what Colin makes, especially as he is looking into going to school full time. I've also looked into going back to school, but there's nothing I really want to spend my time doing right now that involves a degree.
So for today, I'm trying not to get crazy about it all. I will stick it out for another while. I will do what I need to do working at home today. I will get that Friday feeling in a few hours... and then I will be able to think about what's ahead and what I really want to do with my time and life. In many ways, this unhappiness and unsettledness is pushing me to figure it out and get serious about it. And for that, I am thankful.